Tearing of the Soul/Journal #7

 Journal # 7

"He leads me besides the still waters; He restores my soul;" (Psalm 23:2(b)-3(a) NKJV

What constitutes the tearing of the soul? There are many things that tear and eat away at our soul. Our soul comprises our mind, will and emotions. As a child and young adult, I used the terms soul and the spirit interchangeably. It was only after I grew in faith and knowledge of the Word of God I realized that we were all triune beings as the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. God fashioned us after Himself and His Family and His kingdom. We are a spirit, which is the real person on the inside of us, some calls it our conscience, we have a soul, which we refer to as the mental arena or our five senses and we live in a house called the body. We cannot survive on earth without our bodies. I refer to it as our earth-suit, just as we need a space suit to leave this atmosphere. Our spirit can never die. Many who live in darkness their spirit is dead to God and those who live in the light, our spirit is alive to God. But a spirit cannot die. Our soul involves the carnal part of who we are, and it is the part that we have the most problems. I did not know any of this when I was going to other churches, because they never taught on how we can attain victory over the devil, over our mind, will and emotions. Our soul anchors us in this dark world and our spirit submitted to God anchors us in the kingdom of light. Romans 12:1-2, declared to us, "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.  2. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. For us to have victory over our enemies we have a choice to either adhere to God's Word or to do our own thing. I chose to follow the inerrant Word of God. This is  not an easy task because we have an enemy, called Satan whose only motive on this earth is to destroy God's creation. He hates us and he will do anything at any time to annihilate us. The tearing of my soul was set in motion as a little child. I could not sleep on my bed comfortably but instead was being harassed and harangue by the lies of the dark force in my nightmares. I heard the words coming out from other people's mouths who I believed should have loved me, words that tore at my soul. "You are a retard, You are stupid, You are an ugly duckling, You are a bad girl, and on and on it went, both verbally and nonverbally. These people were influenced by the enemy, so I could not hold it against them, but forgive them and release them. But it took me a long time to realize that. Those were fiery darts of the enemy to get me to believe his lies and the sad part was, I did for a very long time.

Each child develops at their own pace and each child learns in their own time. No two individuals are the same, just as our fingerprints are different and our eyes are different, so is our brain and our minds. Yet, when we attend school we are all taught the same way and if we do not learn to the same degree as the others we get labeled and maligned. As a child going to primary school I had problems concentrating on the material presented by the teacher. I did not know at the time there were two things running concurrently against me, one was lack of sleep, and I was the reading/writing type of student. I still have issues with auditory learning and do better with the visual type of learning, even as an adult. So when I heard words that I was retarded or a simpleton or not very smart or just couldn't get it, I knew it was the strategy of the enemy to make me believe these words were who I truly was. I never made any attempt after that to excel in anything because after all I just couldn't cut it, so why try. That was the wrong approach and that tore at my soul. Many things tore at my soul growing up as a child, a teenager and a young woman. When I became a teenager I was no longer called the "ugly duckling" but was called a swan by the same person who referred to me as the "ugly duckling." Even though I was attractive and pleasing to the eyes my soul was so torn I didn't see myself the way others saw me. I had poor self-esteem, was overly anxious and fearful, and I stuttered when I was approached to do anything that will put me at center stage. My grades were substandard, as a teenager. I was shy and introverted and kept to myself. I had about one or two friends like me, who didn't do well in class either. I guess misery attracts misery. Later as I attended the business school to learn a trade, typing and shorthand, I was even terrible at those things, because I heard the tape recorder of the litany of things I was not, and what I would never be. That is why I sought comfort in thumb sucking even at age 16. That was the final year I broke that bad habit that began as a toddler. Children suck their thumbs because it is soothing and comforting and maybe that was why I began at first but at age sixteen, something was not right. That tore at my soul. All the lies of the enemy I allowed took up important real estate in my soul.

I kept looking for love from all the wrong people, and those who were attracted to me, I was not attracted to them. It is as if I had to punish myself by being with men who I knew deep down inside did not really care about me or for me. It was part of the pathology of everything I went through growing up at home and what happened to me at school and at the hands of other people. I didn't have the love and affirmation from my parents. I knew they did their best with what they had to offer because they too had their own stories to tell. My father for example, did not grow up at home. When he was a toddler his parents sent him to live with a very close friend of the family, he referred to as "auntie" until he was a teenager. His parents had over ten children at the time and his mother was pregnant again. My mother was sent as a young girl to her grandmother's house to live with her because her mother was also pregnant with another child, and she returned home as a young woman. They had their own demons to battle. Satan used them to destabilize my life not consciously but on some other perverted level. I was a very sensitive child and I needed love and affirmation and I would have blossom in the right environment. But I was dying on the inside the longer I stayed there. One of my prayers at age twelve was when I grew up, I would leave and never look back. As an adult I did just that, there were only a few times I returned home. One was after twenty one years and another after five to seven years. I loved my family but I did not fit. Do you ever feel you have been installed by the wrong family by God. That was what I thought, that He made a mistake and put me in the wrong family. That was another lie of the enemy. I did not know my family was never the issue it was my mind and my perspective of myself.

I once read somewhere that people are our teachers and they come into our lives to teach us something vitally important. I also learned what we do not like in someone else's character is a reflection of what we struggle with on a deeper level. We try to hide our soul behind masks and pretend as actors on a stage an unreal life, while like the proverbial clown we are crying on the inside. It is only much later, I learned to love myself, only because God loved me first. He demonstrated how much He loved me by sending His only Son, Jesus Christ, the Word that became flesh and dwelt among us, to die for me and to rescue me from my sins, my past. He made me into a new creature when I surrendered to Him and repented of all my sins, and confessed Him publicly then later privately. I never felt comfortable going to church and confessing my private sins to a man who was flawed just as I was. That to me was heresy because we were never told in God's Word to go and confess our sins to a priest and receive penance from them. The Word of God taught me I can come freely to the throne of God and come with joy and gladness and not with guilt or shame. All I had to do when I messed up was to run to my Father, God and tell Him I was sorry for what I had done in some area and I would like His help to do better if there was a next time. I still had a great deal to learn about my walk with God but I was taking some baby steps in the right directions. I was learning some things. I learned the most important thing that God was not angry with me or upset with me. I didn't get some things right at first, I learned that He was long suffering and merciful and He cared about what I cared about.

Heavenly Father, I am thankful and grateful that You are my True Daddy and True Mommy, You are everything to me and I love You with all my heart, soul and mind. I love that You love me and care about what I contend with and that I don't have to prove anything to You because You love me and will never leave me. I am glad You gave me Jesus, my Shepherd who comforts me with His rod and staff and protects me from the wolves around me, as I grow and learn to control my mind. In Jesus' Name.