Journal # 4
"I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance." (Luke 5:32 NKJV)
One preacher stated, "as long as we are blaming someone else we are not going to change. It sends a message to our subconscious mind we have nothing to change or to fix. When we change we believe differently." This is called the blame game. I met this man, who was nine years older than me and I thought he was kind and wanted to help me when I was at a low point physically after my short-lived modeling career. He was kind and gentle and seemed so caring at first and he took me to his own doctor, and paid my bill. Later, he invited me to a tent evangelistic meeting his church, another denomination, organized. After I attended most of the meetings with him I felt the urge to give my heart to the Lord as I never did in my own denomination. I got baptized. I was so "green" I did not know anything about this new life and I thought that this man, I call Larry, would teach me how to navigate the waters. I also naively asked how we were to have fun with all the dos and don'ts attached to this new doctrine. He introduced me to the act of coitus. We started dating, but unknowingly to me he was seeing another young girl at the same time. Five years forward, and he never mentioned marriage but just alluded to it, stringing me along to have his way with me. I wanted to have a family, marriage; the whole enchilada. He even went to my father's office one day and told him he wanted to marry me, that was in the first year. I was looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. During that time I had two abortions. In my denomination it was a sin to terminate your pregnancy for no valid or life threatening reason. I did not want to harm my child but he persuaded me to do so and he will marry me. I fell hook, line and sinker for his cheap tricks. I did not know what to do but I knew he was not going to leave me after I invested five years of my life with him for some floozy. So, I gave him an ultimatum either we get married as soon as possible or I am going to sing as a canary to everyone I meet, especially the church. We got married.
I thought marriage would change him and I tried to do just that, it didn't work but brought much tension in the unholy alliance. In the Bible we are not to render evil for evil. We both were not where we wanted to be. Before I had made the trip to marriage misery, I went to God one night and I asked God if I should marry this man and deep down in my spirit I heard a resounding NO, that was all. It was God warning me if I do my life will be completely altered, going down a rebellious path. For twelve long torturous years I forced myself to remain in that marriage, "for better or for worse" was my mantra. During that time, I lost my job and was now unemployed so he decided to go to the States where his parents lived and find a job. The plan was for him to work and we will join him later. In the mean time we got our passports ready, went through the immigration process and that took about two years. I had a child, a daughter with him plus my own daughter from another short lived relationship. The devil was making a mess of my life. I couldn't think straight and I began reading my Bible in earnest. I needed help, big time. We continued going to church and pretending to my parents everything was "honky dory."
"The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy" and he is sneaky. He hides himself deliberately so no one will believe he really exists. He surreptitiously roams around seeking whom he may devour and destroys their lives. He had been abusing me ever since I was a child and I had no clue who he was. All I knew in my nightmares there was an ominous presence in my dreams looking to destabilize me any way he can, even in my subconscious mind. When I disobeyed God and got married to this man I became truly the wrath of God. Even though I had given my life to Him I had not truly surrendered all of me to Him. I was looking for someone to guide me, to teach me how to be empowered and how to resist the devil. In my church growing up as a child and young adult, I never heard we had an enemy. Everything revolved around God. If we got sick it was God teaching us a lesson. If anything bad happened to us God was the scapegoat. God was to blame for every evil thing. He got blamed for the wars, the hatred among the races, for the wars against the genders, the diseases, deaths, the climate, the natural disaster, everything. In the meantime Satan was hiding behind a dark curtain peeping, listening and laughing at us and hopping up and down in glee because he was successful in blinding our eyes and stopping our ears and hardening our hearts against God. I did not know any of this until much, much later.
We arrived in the United States of America and we lived with Larry's parents and one of his sibling and his family, the same one I had to share the house with when I had first moved into Larry's house. He didn't like me and the feeling was mutual. I did not know at the time that Larry was having an illicit affair with another young woman who later became his second wife. She too was an avid member of his denomination. So while I was playing "wifey" he was playing adultery. His mother was an avid member of the church and expected us all to go to the church every Saturday. His father was uninvolved in any of these church affairs. As time went by things did not get better. My nine month old baby was getting seizures often and I had many trips to the emergency room. On one such trip the hospital guard almost had to put Larry out for verbally fighting with me with a sick child in my arms. Why? Because I was feeding her water with a spoon. My daughter had a high fever and she didn't want to drink from the sippy cup so I was giving her water with a spoon and that disturbed him. Things went down hill from there and one day he decided I was not playing his game anymore. I slept separately from him and he was not too happy. While I was watching the TV on his section of the basement where we lived at his parents' home, he grabbed hold of my neck and attempted to strangle me. I got dressed and went to the police station and reported it. Two white burly cops came back to the house with me and the time he saw them he almost fainted on the floor. His face was white as a sheet. It was a classic moment. I got the information I needed to obtain a restraining order and a place to live. The next day when he went to work I packed up my bags and I went to Far Rockaway, in Queens, to a Jewish transition center for mothers and their children with domestic violence.
It took me almost another four years to finalize my divorce since I had to use a lawyer who did pro bono work. I left the apartment I lived in at Far Rockaway to a Section 8 apartment in Brooklyn, New York. The Section 8 apartment was empty except for the beds we were given and some clothes we received from charitable donations at the transition center while we were there. But we were safe and happy. I felt a load of stress just flowed out of me. My three year old was asking for her daddy and I did not know what to say to her. We went on with life. I got my teenager enrolled in a school. My toddler enrolled in a school for children with special needs. I enrolled in college and started remedial classes for Arithmetic. I excelled at school, who knew? All the baggage of the past was eliminated. I focused on college and did very well. I was on the Dean's list for four years and received my bachelor's degree in human services. Then I started to look for a job. It was difficult being on welfare and all. That 's a another story but welfare helped my girls and I for a while. My teenager went to college outside of the state. My little girl had to receive special needs until she turned twenty-three. We had to apply for her to receive SSI and it helped her to get what she needed. I started working at an agency for those with mental illness and substance abuse issues. It was difficult work but rewarding. I learned a great deal about myself, resiliency, and the faithfulness of God. I gave Him all the glory and I learned who my true enemy was all along. It was not my parents, or my friends or my ex-husband or any one else, it was the devil, himself. Because "we do not fight against flesh and blood , but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places, (Ephesians 6:12). God was always a good God, faithful and true. He never once let me down and was always there to help me and my kids. I also made those choices on my own of course with the devil's help, the same way he operated in the garden of Eden when he deceived Eve. I blame no one but me. I am accountable for my choices.
Don't get me wrong it was a journey I would not like to repeat but I am glad I did because I learned that I was never alone even when I walked through the "valley of death." I left Larry's denomination because it did not fulfill me in any way. It was not of God if the members preached one thing and acted differently. It reminded of the Scribes, Pharisees, and religious leaders of Jesus' time on earth. Jesus had referred to them as a brood of vipers. He called them hypocrites. I learned I have to be cognizant of my thoughts, of my mind. Because that was where the devil wages his battle in our minds. When I got baptized again I realized I had to renew my mind daily until I returned home to heaven. When I got baptized I did not change mentally or in my body. I still made a lot of mistakes, and I had to repent each time. I felt as a fraud at times. I was now single, divorced and lonely and I was still thinking the old ways. It was much later I learned how to defeat the enemy every time. I had to keep searching and searching for the right teaching because of many false doctrines, preachers and teachers and denominations out there.
Heavenly Father, what the enemy meant for evil you turned it around for my benefit. You saw me when no one did. You heard me when no one did. I am ever grateful to You for Your constant and persistent hold on me. You never let me go even when I was on the ash heap, vile, dirty and bloody with the sins of my life. Thank You, for giving me Jesus so that I could be free. And whom the Lord sets free is free indeed. Praise the Lord.
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