Journal # 5
"A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."(Luke 6:45) (NIV)
After my divorce I was able to breathe again. I felt as if I was holding my breath for the past twelve awful years of my life. There were times I felt as if I was literally drowning in the sea of vitriol and hostility. Things slowly began to change for my girls and I. Sometimes when I was anxious and stressed I had those pesky nightmares but they were not intensed as before and I wasn't afraid. My younger daughter had a great deal of health challenges and intellectual delays but we plodded along. School studies added to the mix, because there were times I had to spend days on one of those hospital recliners while studying for mid-terms or finals. It was a juggling act to say the least. But I didn't do any of it on my own. I know God was giving me His strength and steadfastness. I took things one day at a time. My old daughter too had her challenges and traumas, I rather not discuss since it is not my story to tell. She left for college out of state, met her husband, and eventually they had two daughters. When the World Trade Center was bombed it was very traumatic. I was on Jay Street, on a Brooklyn NY subway station, hoping to get on a train to get to my younger daughter's school to take us home. That didn't happen. I ended up walking with a group of people, some were running in fear and some were walking and talking animatedly. I had no sense of direction at the time and I didn't know how I was going to get to my daughter's middle school. But by the grace of God and His wonderful mercies He sent "angels" along my path who assisted me by walking with me. I met a motley bunch of pedestrians all walking yet in unity. It takes trouble to bring some of us together in unity. Eventually, I made it to my daughter's school. And we both walked home, safe and sound. Only by God's hand.
It was then I decided to leave NYC and relocate to Florida. Before I did my supervisor warned me about living with my adult child and her children because sometimes there could be conflict. But she was divorced and had two children at the time and needed my support. So as a good mother I resigned from my job and paid for all the moving process to Florida. My younger daughter had problems adjusting to the new scenery and new changes. We stayed with my older daughter for about one year, and as my boss had warned me, it was prophetic; there was conflict. So we found ourselves in our own apartment and life went on. I had to purchase a vehicle to work because I had gotten a job as a case manager in Miami at a crisis center for the mentally ill. It took all the tenacity and grit to work in such an intensed environment. I was not living right though even as I professed to be a Christian. I had trouble controlling my mind, my actions, my thoughts- I was still under the dominion of Satan. I went to church every Sunday, even read my Bible daily and lived a virtuous life but my mind was still unrenewed. For example, I did not treat my co-worker respectfully, I spoke behind people's backs, and I was listening to gossip, I had to control everything and I was a perfectionist. These flaws were of the enemy. I was still under his control as long as my mind was not renewed. I spent eight years at the crisis center and during that time I returned to college to get my master's degree in social work. The thing is I prayed before doing so but didn't get an answer and didn't feel at peace with it. But I wanted a better paying job and proceeded without hearing from God. That was bad.
Going back to school after thirteen years and working full time had its toll on me, plus I had to deal with my daughter's challenges. I was burnt out but despite not hearing from God, He still helped me to finish what I started. I found favor with my professors and I made it by the skin of my teeth but with a load of school loans. The thing is, if God is not in it, things will not work out as it would have if He was in it. I never made it to my own graduation and that's another story for another day. But I got pictures taken with my hat and gown. I remained at the center for a few more years until the agency filed for chapter 13, bankruptcy and most of the other subsidiaries. I had a master degree and was unemployed. I was in the process of preparing for my license and the person who was assisting me too, lost her job. I had no idea what I was going to do except apply for unemployment. That was another process. I felt the hand of fear gripping me because the unemployment will run out and what will happen to me if I don't find a job in time. I stayed at home in my apartment for three months in fear, praying as I had never prayed before. In my bedroom I began in earnest for the first time of my life seeking God. The word of God said, "seek Me and you will find Me." Well I did. I listened to spiritual and preaching tapes by a well-known gospel evangelist over and over and one day I got it. My spirit was so hungry it is as if she couldn't drink enough from the fountain of God's eternal love and grace. I couldn't get enough I was so starved for His Word and His presence, and I receive the Lord Jesus into my heart, I repented and confessed my sins and I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit, in my bedroom. One night I sat down on the floor at my bed seeking to hear a word from God and to learn my new prayer language and as I sat there, I heard deep in my spirit the voice of the Lord. He called my name and said, He was in the midst of me. I was ecstatic that I actually heard Him speaking to me, and knowing He knows my name. Later, I was contacted for a job right in my neighborhood with the same agency in Hollywood, Florida.
That job lasted for a couple of months and on the last day one of the managers who knew me from holding down the fort at the crisis center on my own, he hired me to come and work at the agency he was manager of. It was different I had to go out in the community to see my clients and I didn't feel comfortable doing so because I was not too familiar with the terrain but I did what I had to do with a lot of help. Later when that branch closed because of bankruptcy I was unable to work because we were working and not being paid and we were not being compensated for using our own vehicle to see clients. They sent my salary for the months I was not paid, and I gave God all the glory, because He helped me to advocate for myself. Later I started another job as a forensic specialist, which involved preparing clients with mental illness and substance abuse with misdemeanor and felony charges to be able to be competent for court. My supervisor and I got along really well and she decided to promote me as a team leader, I turned it down because it meant more work with no extra compensation. I stayed there until I resigned and moved to Georgia. I always wanted to live in Georgia even before I had moved to Florida to help my older daughter and her children. In Georgia I learned a great deal spiritually and drew closer to God.
Heavenly Father, thank You for helping me to navigate every mountain I had to climb, every bend in the road, every valley I had to cross and every rocky path that ultimately brought me to You. I had many ups and downs and much tears and laughter but You never let go of Your hand from mines. I held on tenaciously because my life and my daughter depended on You. I made many mistakes and I still hadn't matured spiritually but You gave me Your grace. All the glory belongs to You, my sweet Father, I love You with all my heart and I love my Savior the same, in the sweet Name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.
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