Tearing of the Soul of a Rebellious Wo-man/Journal #9

 Journal # 9

For what if some did not believe? Will their unbelief make the faithfulness of God without effect?.. Certainly not! Indeed, let God be true but every man a liar. (Romans 3:3-4) NKV

There are many things that can make us rebellious, some are overt, some are insidious and some are covert but the underlying theme is always rebellion and disobedience. We have held onto the tradition of men even in the Church, even as Christians. Most of it is performance based and has absolutely nothing to do with the gospel of Jesus Christ. Most of the false doctrine we have downloaded throughout time in our hard drive of the mind is heresy and based on the Old Covenant. Jesus came into the world to give the true gift of salvation, righteousness, remission of sin, liberty, peace, victory, protection and wholeness and all that is attached to the love of God. The word "sozo" in Greek means: preservation, deliverance and restoration. We have become out of touch with God and it is just a bunch of blatherskite or babble. It reminds me of the Pharisees back when Jesus walked the earth as a man and how these so-called religious leaders or zealots were so far removed from the people of the community. When Jesus, the quintessential man of all times came on the stage, these religious men were outraged and felt threatened by His popularity. Their hearts became darkened with hatred and homicidal rage. For three years these men plotted, schemed and planned out or premeditated how to kill Jesus. Why? All because Jesus was the representation of the love of God not some legalistic doctrine the Pharisees and Sadducees of the Sanhedrin of that time.

God in His infinite wisdom realized no one would be able to keep the 613 laws of the Old Testament.  It did not matter how many bulls or goats or lambs we sacrificed for sin because it did not wipe our sin away. We would have always had to be doing something to get forgiveness for our sins. God said in His word all of our righteousness was as a filthy rag, unclean. Romans 6 stated, "that the wages of sin is death. Romans 3 stated, that there is none righteous, no not one... there is none who does good, not one,...and no fear of God before their eyes." The law was perfect because God created the laws and He is perfect but humans were imperfect and flawed and no matter what they did, all their good works profit them nothing because they needed a Savior. Jesus was the Savior and sits at the right hand of the Father, advocating and interceding for you and me. There are so many millions of people in our world who despise the gospel and who distance themselves from the living God. As a child I was the personification of some villain in a cartoon character of a rebellious nature. I did not know I was being rebellious or disobedient until I was punished for bad behavior. In retrospect I believed it was who I was and I grew believing I was just a bad girl. It seemed nothing I did was right and I acted the way others saw me, which was sad, really. As I grew and became aware of myself I knew how to differentiate good from evil. I learned what I did was shameful and I felt guilt and this created an environment for poor self-schema, beliefs I held about myself and poor self-esteem. I tried to hide myself, always staying in the shadows but God had other plans for me. Everything I did was performance based to seek approval. If I behave appropriately I will be loved and accepted etc. None of this worked. I needed Jesus and His righteousness and all the finished work He completed for me.

Rebellion leaves a stain upon us that only Christ can erase. Rebellion is as a Necrotising fasclitis, a flesh-eating disease, that eats away at the soul. It is all about posturing and bravado. It is as a clown attempting to entertain with tricks and comedy, eliciting laughter and joy but the clown himself is crying on the inside. We have our public persona and our private persona but God sees us in each one. God sent Jesus to redeem us from the stain and destruction of sin. The gospel message is quite simple that even a little child could understand. If I believe in Jesus and I surrender to God's will I am now a child of God, of course there is a process but it is a simple one. I heard a local pastor taught on the beautiful gift of grace that can erase our rebellious nature via the Holy Spirit. It is the Holy Spirit who does the difficult work in chiseling out our imperfections and making us over time perfect in God's sight.  For any of this to take place we must believe in the Spirit of God, our Counselor to do a good and perfect work in us. We cannot do any of it on our own. Believe me, I have tried many, many times and failed. Two things I learned from this pastor's lesson: is unbelief is related to disobedience and not so much our perceived behaviors or sins. As Christians we have submitted our lives to God and as such Jesus had paid the price once, for all our sins and behaviors, past, present and future. No, it does not give us a right to sin that will be under the law and is actually disbelief and disobedience. Hebrews 8:7, 13 stated that, "for if the first covenant had been faultless, then no place would have been sought for a second. ....The first covenant of the Old Testament is obsolete and growing old and is ready to vanish away." It was replaced with the new covenant of grace. The other correlation is when we believe we enter into God's rest: "for we who have believed do enter that rest," Hebrews 4:3. So believing is related to obedience because of God's grace through Jesus Christ and all the finished work of Christ. The pastor went on to say, "it is a matter of believing the gospel of grace and we are to renew our minds on the gospel." Grace is a Person. That Person is the Son of God, Jesus Christ. The pastor stated, grace has already provided everything we will ever need on this side of heaven (my paraphrasing). The main ingredient is faith and the other is love. When I believe God's amazing and savage love for me there is no room or thought to contradict His Word. John 3:16 tells me how much He loved me and you, that He gave His only beloved Son, that whosoever believes in Him, will not perish but have eternal life. That is radical. That is revolutionary. God's love is unbridled and infinite. He gave me Jesus as an atoning sacrifice for my rebellious and sinful nature. Apostle Paul asked in the epistle of Romans 8:35, "who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword? (37) Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. (38) For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, (39) nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus, our Lord."

Tearing of the Soul/Journal #8

Journal # 8

 "And thus He fulfilled what was spoken by the prophet Isaiah, He Himself took (in order to carry away) our weaknesses and infirmities and bore away our diseases." Matthew 8:17 AMPC

My journey into faith took a long while for me to understand the foundational principles of the kingdom of God. The churches I attended throughout the years led me on the path in the wrong direction. None of these leaders taught me that I can have victory over death, hell and the grave. I am not placing any aspersions on any one, because these leaders did not know enough. One heresy that was purported was, God was the one who was teaching us a lesson by punishing us with some type of affliction or sickness. And that healing was done away with; that God does not heal anyone anymore. I remember when the HIV and AIDS epidemic of the 1980s came on the scene, I truly believed God was punishing these people who participated in this sexual perversion. But some were affected due to intravenous drug use and those who had to have a blood transfusion. In retrospect, I did not have all the facts and I certainly did not have a right to judge any one who was not part of the kingdom of God. They were under the enemy's jurisdiction. I did not know enough. But as the years flew by and I kept searching for my niche, my place, where I could be taught the right things from the Word of God was drawing closer and closer, as I searched and searched, seeking to find the truth. I eventually learned a few things from informed preachers and evangelists, who had revelation knowledge of the Word of God. I learned to read the Word for myself and with the help of the Spirit of God, knowledge and wisdom grew. I still have a whole lot to learn but I believe I am headed in the right trajectory. Praise God. As I read the synoptic gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, I read that Jesus, the Son of God, healed people saved and unsaved everywhere He traveled and taught. The only time He was unable to heal anyone was in His own home-town because they did not believe He was the Messiah. Jesus only did what the Father told Him to do through the Holy Spirit. So to say God brought sickness, death and diseases on mankind to teach them a lesson, to punish them for their evil ways is a lie that came right out of the pit of hell. To say God does not heal people anymore is another indictment against Satan. There are many, many people who have been miraculously healed by God and have testified about them. John 3:16-17 declared: "for God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (17) For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." Each person has an opportunity to come to the Lord and be saved, no matter their spiritual condition and healing is part of that package.

Anyone who believes God punishes us by bringing sickness, pain and diseases have been deceived by the enemy, called the devil. The devil or Abaddon is our destroyer and he came to earth to "steal, kill and destroy." I learned not to adhere to any of his lies, since he is the father of lies. I should endeavor at all times to adhere to God's Word. When I am in doubt I must always ask the question, what did the Word of God say about this? One Saturday, in one of those churches I attended, there was a woman teaching us about health and how to take care of various illnesses some people already had issues with in the church. She was teaching about what to eat if there was a diagnosis of hypertension, or diabetes and other illnesses. While I listened it was as if the Spirit of God was urging me to get up and say something about what I had learned about health from the Word of God. So, I stood up and declared that we who believed in Christ Jesus, and have received Him as our Lord and Savior, already have the Healer on the inside of us. We do not have to live sick, or with some terminal disease, or with a chronic or acute illness. As Christians we have the right to be whole, healed, delivered and well. We do not have to live our lives as the world does. I learned that I was blessed and what God has blessed cannot be cursed. And sickness, disease, pain and every evil work is of the devil, it is a curse. As Christians we have been delivered from darkness and translated into the kingdom of God's dear Son. Jesus is our Healer. We are not to allow sickness and disease to attach themselves to our bodies. I learned that sickness is a spiritual phenomenon and not just a physical attack on our bodies. Our healing must emanate from the inside out, directly from our spirit. I learned doctors are very limited in their treatment to alleviate the symptoms of a disease. Doctors cannot cure anyone. However, God created our bodies to have an innate capacity to heal itself. I remembered a testimony of a woman in Matthew 9:20-22 and Mark 5:26-31. This woman had a hemorrhagic condition for twelve years. She had gone to many doctors and none of them were able to help her, in fact she grew worse, and all the money she had spent on doctors was depleted and she had not been healed or cured. But she heard of Jesus, the Healer and she decided to throw caution to the wind. The laws back then did not permit her to come out in public because she was considered unclean. She did anyway,  because she was desperate and knew if she didn't she would die soon. She kept saying to herself, "if I can only touch the hem of his garment, I am certain I will be made whole." She crept up slowly through the crowd, and with determination she got to where Jesus  stood in the midst of the crowd and touched His garment. Immediately, "the fountain of blood" had ceased and she felt in her body that she was healed of the "plague". Jesus knew also that the anointing in Him had left Him and He turned around in the crowd and asked "who touched Me?" His disciples turned to Him and asked Him, "You see the crowd around us and You asked who touched You? " Jesus looked around at the crowd, searching but the woman who had been healed timidly spoke up because she was in awe of what had just occurred. She spoke up. She moved forward toward Him, in a posture of worship and admitted to Him she was the one who touched Him. She told Him her testimony, and He said to her: "Daughter, your faith has made you whole; go in peace and be whole of your plague." We heard two things, her faith made her whole. She used her faith in God and she received her healing and everything she had lost restored to her. She was completely whole in every area. Jesus told her it was her faith that cured her. She took hold of her healing by force and so we too must learn as she did. It is our faith in God's Word and ability to heal us even if we are on our death beds. Nothing is impossible with God to those who believe. The second thing she learned was that she had peace. The word "peace" or (Shalom) in Hebrew encompasses everything: completeness, wholeness, health, welfare, safety, soundness, prosperity and everything of the blessing of God. These things belong to every born again child of God.

Anything outside of the Word of God or His promises for us are lies of the enemy to deceive us and to annihilate us. I learned too, that some of us may unknowingly open a door to the enemy. If I did I  need to ask myself some questions; did I open a door for the devil to come in and attack me or my family and how do I close that door immediately? What is actually going on in my soul that I may have inadvertently initiated or triggered an onslaught of the enemy? Strife; not walking in love; not being obedient to God's Word; lack of faith; staggering or being in doubt and the "biggie" is, living with an unrenewed mind. I am learning each day how important it is for me to monitor my thoughts and filter them through God's Word. If it doesn't match up with God's Word I am learning to cast them down immediately. This is an ongoing process. It is not one time and it's over, no, it is not, because I know I have an enemy who is constantly on the prowl to ensnare me. He is very sneaky and encourages me to say the wrong things if I am not paying attention. If I walk outside the will of God, or do not walk in love or if I strive with my family or a brother or sister in the church or walk in unforgiveness, I have been ensnared. Just as he tempted Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden he is still using all the same tricks, and strategies to trap us and to destroy us. His ultimate goal is to let the world believe that he doesn't exist at all, while we place all the world's ills on God. God gets the blame for every evil work and the devil surreptitiously hides behind the scenes while systematically destroying us and our world. He is an evil spirit and he and his demons need human hosts to occupy where they can do their unholy and corrupt agenda and if we look around we can see their effect on  people who are unaware they have demons pulling their strings as a puppeteers do to their puppets. Who are pulling our strings? Renewing our minds on God's word daily gives us the ability to gain victory over the devil. Besides Jesus has already done all the difficult  work for us. I learned that all I have to do is to follow the blueprint of the Word of God. God will keep me in perfect peace as I keep my mind stayed on Him.

Anything outside the parameters of the Word regarding our health and contrary to God's Word is heresy, or wrong thinking. We must strive to get our thinking right. Our very lives depend on how we conduct ourselves in regards to our health. What we say, we will receive. Because our words are powerful and have created abilities if we use them consistently for the things of God. Meaning our words must be reliable, consistent and honest. When we live in the righteousness of God and renew our minds daily on God's Word, our words become powerful. We have the Holy Spirit's presence in us and He performs the work, according to what we hear from God and what we say consistently over time. We ought not to use our words arbitrarily or inconsistently. But only when we are creating or building up someone. Regarding my own health, and the health of my family, I speak God's Words over myself and them consistently.  I might say: "Thank You God, for healing all my diseases and redeeming my life from death" Psalm 103: 3 NLT. Another favorite verse of scripture that I say, God, "You sent Your Word and healed me, snatching me from the door of death, I give You praise for Your great love and for the wonderful things You have done for me." Psalm 107:20 NLT. There are many, many scriptures that promise us divine health. We ought to live well and whole because we have the gift of divine health, and healing which belongs to each believer. "According to our faith be it done to us." We must have faith that God will do what He says in His Word. Because His word will not return to Him void. I daily say my healing scriptures whether I am sick or not because the enemy is the one who brings sickness, diseases, pain and death to us. We have to be on the offense at all times and be watchful and vigilant "because our adversary, the devil walks around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour." He is constantly on the prowl looking and seeking for those of us who are not paying attention or who have not been wearing the armor of God. One part of being on the offense is being in the Word of God and mediating the promises on health and wellness day and night. God is not the Author of sickness, or pain or death. God is love and loves at all times. Jesus came to give life and give it more abundantly to all who would believe in Him. I surround myself with fellow believers and those who honor God's Word and who do not create a strange doctrine as some "churches do.  Strange doctrine and heresy are orchestrated by the devil to keep me and others bound. God said, in Hosea 4:6 (a), "My people are destroyed or perished for a lack of knowledge; because they have rejected knowledge.."

Heavenly Father, thank You, for the Healer who abides in me. He took my infirmity and bore my sickness, sorrow and pain, so that I do not have to bear it. What an awesome God, You are. You are good and Your mercy endures forever. Praise the Name of the Lord. In Jesus' Name. Amen. So be it.

Tearing of the Soul/Journal #7

 Journal # 7

"He leads me besides the still waters; He restores my soul;" (Psalm 23:2(b)-3(a) NKJV

What constitutes the tearing of the soul? There are many things that tear and eat away at our soul. Our soul comprises our mind, will and emotions. As a child and young adult, I used the terms soul and the spirit interchangeably. It was only after I grew in faith and knowledge of the Word of God I realized that we were all triune beings as the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. God fashioned us after Himself and His Family and His kingdom. We are a spirit, which is the real person on the inside of us, some calls it our conscience, we have a soul, which we refer to as the mental arena or our five senses and we live in a house called the body. We cannot survive on earth without our bodies. I refer to it as our earth-suit, just as we need a space suit to leave this atmosphere. Our spirit can never die. Many who live in darkness their spirit is dead to God and those who live in the light, our spirit is alive to God. But a spirit cannot die. Our soul involves the carnal part of who we are, and it is the part that we have the most problems. I did not know any of this when I was going to other churches, because they never taught on how we can attain victory over the devil, over our mind, will and emotions. Our soul anchors us in this dark world and our spirit submitted to God anchors us in the kingdom of light. Romans 12:1-2, declared to us, "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.  2. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. For us to have victory over our enemies we have a choice to either adhere to God's Word or to do our own thing. I chose to follow the inerrant Word of God. This is  not an easy task because we have an enemy, called Satan whose only motive on this earth is to destroy God's creation. He hates us and he will do anything at any time to annihilate us. The tearing of my soul was set in motion as a little child. I could not sleep on my bed comfortably but instead was being harassed and harangue by the lies of the dark force in my nightmares. I heard the words coming out from other people's mouths who I believed should have loved me, words that tore at my soul. "You are a retard, You are stupid, You are an ugly duckling, You are a bad girl, and on and on it went, both verbally and nonverbally. These people were influenced by the enemy, so I could not hold it against them, but forgive them and release them. But it took me a long time to realize that. Those were fiery darts of the enemy to get me to believe his lies and the sad part was, I did for a very long time.

Each child develops at their own pace and each child learns in their own time. No two individuals are the same, just as our fingerprints are different and our eyes are different, so is our brain and our minds. Yet, when we attend school we are all taught the same way and if we do not learn to the same degree as the others we get labeled and maligned. As a child going to primary school I had problems concentrating on the material presented by the teacher. I did not know at the time there were two things running concurrently against me, one was lack of sleep, and I was the reading/writing type of student. I still have issues with auditory learning and do better with the visual type of learning, even as an adult. So when I heard words that I was retarded or a simpleton or not very smart or just couldn't get it, I knew it was the strategy of the enemy to make me believe these words were who I truly was. I never made any attempt after that to excel in anything because after all I just couldn't cut it, so why try. That was the wrong approach and that tore at my soul. Many things tore at my soul growing up as a child, a teenager and a young woman. When I became a teenager I was no longer called the "ugly duckling" but was called a swan by the same person who referred to me as the "ugly duckling." Even though I was attractive and pleasing to the eyes my soul was so torn I didn't see myself the way others saw me. I had poor self-esteem, was overly anxious and fearful, and I stuttered when I was approached to do anything that will put me at center stage. My grades were substandard, as a teenager. I was shy and introverted and kept to myself. I had about one or two friends like me, who didn't do well in class either. I guess misery attracts misery. Later as I attended the business school to learn a trade, typing and shorthand, I was even terrible at those things, because I heard the tape recorder of the litany of things I was not, and what I would never be. That is why I sought comfort in thumb sucking even at age 16. That was the final year I broke that bad habit that began as a toddler. Children suck their thumbs because it is soothing and comforting and maybe that was why I began at first but at age sixteen, something was not right. That tore at my soul. All the lies of the enemy I allowed took up important real estate in my soul.

I kept looking for love from all the wrong people, and those who were attracted to me, I was not attracted to them. It is as if I had to punish myself by being with men who I knew deep down inside did not really care about me or for me. It was part of the pathology of everything I went through growing up at home and what happened to me at school and at the hands of other people. I didn't have the love and affirmation from my parents. I knew they did their best with what they had to offer because they too had their own stories to tell. My father for example, did not grow up at home. When he was a toddler his parents sent him to live with a very close friend of the family, he referred to as "auntie" until he was a teenager. His parents had over ten children at the time and his mother was pregnant again. My mother was sent as a young girl to her grandmother's house to live with her because her mother was also pregnant with another child, and she returned home as a young woman. They had their own demons to battle. Satan used them to destabilize my life not consciously but on some other perverted level. I was a very sensitive child and I needed love and affirmation and I would have blossom in the right environment. But I was dying on the inside the longer I stayed there. One of my prayers at age twelve was when I grew up, I would leave and never look back. As an adult I did just that, there were only a few times I returned home. One was after twenty one years and another after five to seven years. I loved my family but I did not fit. Do you ever feel you have been installed by the wrong family by God. That was what I thought, that He made a mistake and put me in the wrong family. That was another lie of the enemy. I did not know my family was never the issue it was my mind and my perspective of myself.

I once read somewhere that people are our teachers and they come into our lives to teach us something vitally important. I also learned what we do not like in someone else's character is a reflection of what we struggle with on a deeper level. We try to hide our soul behind masks and pretend as actors on a stage an unreal life, while like the proverbial clown we are crying on the inside. It is only much later, I learned to love myself, only because God loved me first. He demonstrated how much He loved me by sending His only Son, Jesus Christ, the Word that became flesh and dwelt among us, to die for me and to rescue me from my sins, my past. He made me into a new creature when I surrendered to Him and repented of all my sins, and confessed Him publicly then later privately. I never felt comfortable going to church and confessing my private sins to a man who was flawed just as I was. That to me was heresy because we were never told in God's Word to go and confess our sins to a priest and receive penance from them. The Word of God taught me I can come freely to the throne of God and come with joy and gladness and not with guilt or shame. All I had to do when I messed up was to run to my Father, God and tell Him I was sorry for what I had done in some area and I would like His help to do better if there was a next time. I still had a great deal to learn about my walk with God but I was taking some baby steps in the right directions. I was learning some things. I learned the most important thing that God was not angry with me or upset with me. I didn't get some things right at first, I learned that He was long suffering and merciful and He cared about what I cared about.

Heavenly Father, I am thankful and grateful that You are my True Daddy and True Mommy, You are everything to me and I love You with all my heart, soul and mind. I love that You love me and care about what I contend with and that I don't have to prove anything to You because You love me and will never leave me. I am glad You gave me Jesus, my Shepherd who comforts me with His rod and staff and protects me from the wolves around me, as I grow and learn to control my mind. In Jesus' Name.

Tearing of the Soul/Journal # 6

 Journal # 6

"For these things I weep; my eye, my eye overflows with water;" (Lamentations 1:16 (a) )

My trip to Brooklyn, New York was two-fold, to meet my in-laws and for a vacation. However, things were not working out for me. It was in the middle of summer and I had gotten sick. I had a terrible cold and was very congested. My husband was his "sweet self" as usual. So, I decided to call home and see how my older daughter was doing and to speak to my mother. My younger brother, Louis answered the phone and I spoke to him very briefly. He asked me how I was doing and if everything was all right. I told him everything was okay. I spoke to my mother and ended the call. A couple of days later, they called me and they told me one of my brothers attempted suicide. My mind immediately went to my brother, who is two years younger than me, because he was having a relationship issue with a woman he truly loved and she had broken up with him. He was never the same after that fiasco. I told my husband what had occurred and I needed to return home immediately. I called the airlines and they placed me on standby, all the while, praying. I eventually, got on a flight and one of my other brothers, came to get me to take me straight to the hospital. It was the youngest of my siblings, my baby brother, Louis. He was just turning twenty-one. I knew he wasn't a baby but since I was the eldest of the clan, I took care of him when he was a kid. The strange thing was before I had made the trip to the States, I was cleaning out his bedroom one day and I ran across a torn piece of paper which had written on it some suicidal thoughts. I gave it to my father at the time and I told him to please speak to my brother. My father read it, said nothing but he went and had a talk with him. Louis was also having some problems with one of his so-called friends. He had purchased a second- hand car and this friend had it in his possession because Louis had given it to him for the purchase of some type of drug.

My brother was a good kid, and went to a good school. He was an acolyte at his church. He served on Sundays from the age of ten to twelve. When he started high school he got into the wrong crowd. He started smoking marijuana and it began to change him. He was working and I convinced him to open a bank account and he and I were in a joint account. He was allowed to deposit and when he needed money he would ask me to take it out for him. For his birthday I bought him a gold chain with a pendant of the serenity prayer, he loved it. We were close. I looked out for him but I knew he was a man and he needed his privacy. He and his older brother had a garage restoring old cars and repairing broken ones, they also did gates, and burglar proof for windows. Louis did the welding. He was 6 feet 2 inches in height, tall and handsome for a brother. He was strong physically and he knew how to put down a plate of food in "two twos." When I was pregnant with my first daughter and my father was giving me a difficult time, Louis supported me. When I had my daughter, he was the best uncle. He bought her stuff, and spoiled her rotten and she loved him with all her heart. Now, I didn't know at the time how to process what was unraveling right before my eyes. All I knew I had to be strong for my other siblings and pray without ceasing.

I arrived at the hospital with my other siblings who told me what had occurred. The story was his friend did not want to return his car and the girl he fancied, wouldn't talk to him because her father did not approve of the relationship. He took that to heart. A couple of weeks before, he had gotten a puppy as a gift, we named her Shandy. She was a mixed breed, not sure of what. On the night Louis came home from one of his nocturnal activities with his friends. He reached up on a high cabinet in the garage and took down the Gramozone pesticide and took it up to his bedroom. When he got there he took up two Bibles placed one at the head of the bed and one at the bottom of the bed. One was opened to Psalm 42. He took the Gramozone and drank it and started coughing and vomiting. One of my other brothers lived downstairs in what used to be the maid quarters. He came up the stairs to investigate and saw a horrific scene. He immediately shouted for my parents and they came running to Louis' bedroom. My parents were beside themselves but they managed to get him quickly to the hospital along with my two brothers. When they got to the triage room every available nurse and doctor came to assist. My brother put up a real fight for them to treat him with activated charcoal. It took about five emergency technicians  to restrain him and to administer the charcoal. They only got down a little and my parents and siblings were informed that the damage of the pesticide my have already begun it lethal work.

My brother Louis lived for thirteen days. I called it in one of my earlier blogs thirteen days of redemption. We drew closer to one another in this crisis and we got to spend time with Louis. I gave him a small New Testament Bible to read and I told him God loved him. I encouraged him to get better and to come home. I encouraged my father to speak to him and to tell him how much he loved him, and he did. My mother was a mess. But I held it all in and every chance I got I spent it with him. We took turns at night. We were encouraged one day when we saw him sitting up on a chair while the nurse's aid changed the sheets and pillow case. He said he felt a little better and he was holding on. However, the doctor told my parents about the extensive damage to his lungs. The tissues in the roof of his mouth were falling away. If he survived he would have to spend time in the suicide ward and get a great deal of mental health intervention. On the thirteenth day, my younger sister and I were to take breakfast to Louis. We usually went about five o'clock in the morning. But that night there was a party at one of the neighbors and we didn't get much sleep and overslept. We got dressed quickly and made breakfast to take to Louis. When we got to the hospital I knew something was awry. He was sitting up fighting to breathe, his breathing was shallow, the nurse was holding his hand and he said to us you are late. The nurse told us he was waiting for us. She said he was ready to go. He was dying and had been holding on for us to be with him. I began to feed him a soft boiled egg. I told my sister to go and call my parents and let them know what was happening. My sister delivered the message and rushed up to the ward. She was on one side of the bed and I was on the other side with the nurse, as we held on to his hands. I knew Louis was ready and needed our permission to go. So I told him we loved him and it was okay to go and he leaned back on the pillow and his breath expired with a sweet smile on his lips.

After the funeral there were friends and family members at the house and I was in my bedroom with my daughter. She did not take it too well. She never had closure because she never got to say goodbye to her favorite uncle. I wanted to protect her and I wanted her to remember him as he was, strong and vibrant and full of life. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. Now, I wasn't sure if I did the right thing. At the graveside she cried and cried and made gestures to climb down into the hole in the ground where the coffin laid. Someone took a hold of her and comforted her. That night she came and told me she was hearing singing coming from above. I knew she was hearing the angels. I knew Louis made it home with Jesus. He was given grace, thirteen days to repent of his sin and to make things right. I knew Louis died in peace and God was letting us know Louis was safe in his arms and safe in heaven. I did not know much back then about the Word of God as I do now and still learning but one thing I knew, Louis made it to heaven. It took us a long time to heal and I don't think my parents were ever able to reconcile that one of their children has gone on to be with the Lord and they are still here. It was not suppose to be that way at all. We all recognized each one would heal in their own time. It took me three years to truly realize the impact and the gaping wound it left in my soul. That was one of the main reasons I made my career in mental health and substance abuse. There were five of us, now there are only four remaining. 

Today, I am no longer afraid of death or the author of death. As a Christian none of us have the right to be fearful of death. Why? Because the Word of God said, we will never die. We have eternal life in Christ Jesus. When Jesus died on the Cross for our sins He had victory over hell, death and the grave. Those who do not know Christ as their personal Savior, and have not accepted Him in their lives are the ones who are in a place of death. Satan is the author of death and fear and the curse. I know one day soon, Jesus will return and we will join Him in the air if we have not gone home before, and I will be reunited with my loved ones. I will meet my baby brother, Louis again, better than this world ever authored for him. 

Heavenly Father, 
You sent Your Son to die for me so that I may have life and have it more abundantly. Thank You for Your generous Gift of Your Son. I give You all the praise and glory that I am part of the family of God.

In Jesus' Name.

The Tearing of the Soul/Journal # 5

 Journal # 5 

"A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."(Luke 6:45) (NIV)

After my divorce I was able to breathe again. I felt as if I was holding my breath for the past twelve awful years of my life. There were times I felt as if I was literally drowning in the sea of vitriol and hostility. Things slowly began to change for my girls and I. Sometimes when I was anxious and stressed I had those pesky nightmares but they were not intensed as before and I wasn't afraid. My younger daughter had a great deal of health challenges and intellectual delays but we plodded along. School studies added to the mix, because there were times I had to spend days on one of those hospital recliners while studying for mid-terms or finals. It was a juggling act to say the least. But I didn't do any of it on my own. I know God was giving me His strength and steadfastness. I took things one day at a time. My old daughter too had her challenges and traumas, I rather not discuss since it is not my story to tell. She left for college out of state, met her husband, and eventually they had two daughters. When the World Trade Center was bombed it was very traumatic. I was on Jay Street, on a Brooklyn NY subway station, hoping to get on a train to get to my younger daughter's school to take us home. That didn't happen. I ended up walking with a group of people, some were running in fear and some were walking and talking animatedly. I had no sense of direction at the time and I didn't know how I was going to get to my daughter's middle school. But by the grace of God and His wonderful mercies He sent "angels" along my path who assisted me by walking with me. I met a motley bunch of pedestrians all walking yet in unity. It takes trouble to bring some of us together in unity. Eventually, I made it to my daughter's school. And we both walked home, safe and sound. Only by God's hand.

It was then I decided to leave NYC and relocate to Florida. Before I did my supervisor warned me about living with my adult child and her children because sometimes there could be conflict. But she was divorced and had two children at the time and needed my support. So as a good mother I resigned from my job and paid for all the moving process to Florida. My younger daughter had problems adjusting to the new scenery and new changes. We stayed with my older daughter for about one year, and as my boss had warned me, it was prophetic; there was conflict. So we found ourselves in our own apartment and life went on. I had to purchase a vehicle to work because I had gotten a job as a case manager in Miami at a crisis center for the mentally ill. It took all the tenacity and grit to work in such an intensed environment. I was not living right though even as I professed to be a Christian. I had trouble controlling my mind, my actions, my thoughts- I was still under the dominion of Satan. I went to church every Sunday, even read my Bible daily and lived a virtuous life but my mind was still unrenewed. For example, I did not treat my co-worker respectfully, I spoke behind people's backs, and I was listening to gossip, I had to control everything and I was a perfectionist. These flaws were of the enemy. I was still under his control as long as my mind was not renewed. I spent eight years at the crisis center and during that time I returned to college to get my master's degree in social work. The thing is I prayed before doing so but didn't get an answer and didn't feel at peace with it. But I wanted a better paying job and proceeded without hearing from God. That was bad.

Going back to school after thirteen years and working full time had its toll on me, plus I had to deal with my daughter's challenges. I was burnt out but despite not hearing from God, He still helped me to finish what I started. I found favor with my professors and I made it by the skin of my teeth but with a load of school loans. The thing is, if God is not in it, things will not work out as it would have if He was in it. I never made it to my own graduation and that's another story for another day. But I got pictures taken with my hat and gown. I remained at the center for a few more years until the agency filed for chapter 13, bankruptcy and most of the other subsidiaries. I had a master degree and was unemployed. I was in the process of preparing for my license and the person who was assisting me too, lost her job. I had no idea what I was going to do except apply for unemployment. That was another process. I felt the hand of fear gripping me because the unemployment will run out and what will happen to me if I don't find a job in time. I stayed at home in my apartment for three months in fear, praying as I had never prayed before. In my bedroom I began in earnest for the first time of my life seeking God. The word of God said, "seek Me and you will find Me." Well I did. I listened to spiritual and preaching tapes by a well-known gospel evangelist over and over and one day I got it. My spirit was so hungry it is as if she couldn't drink enough from the fountain of God's eternal love and grace. I couldn't get enough I was so starved for His Word and His presence, and I receive the Lord Jesus into my heart, I repented and confessed my sins and I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit, in my bedroom. One night I sat down on the floor at my bed seeking to hear a word from God and to learn my new prayer language and as I sat there, I heard deep in my spirit the voice of the Lord. He called my name and said, He was in the midst of me. I was ecstatic that I actually heard Him speaking to me, and knowing He knows my name. Later, I was contacted for a job right in my neighborhood with the same agency in Hollywood, Florida.

That job lasted for a couple of months and on the last day one of the managers who knew me from holding down the fort at the crisis center on my own, he hired me to come and work at the agency he was manager of. It was different I had to go out in the community to see my clients and I didn't feel comfortable doing so because I was not too familiar with the terrain but I did what I had to do with a lot of help. Later when that branch closed because of bankruptcy I was unable to work because we were working and not being paid and we were not being compensated for using our own vehicle to see clients. They sent my salary for the months I was not paid, and I gave God all the glory, because He helped me to advocate for myself. Later I started another job as a forensic specialist, which involved preparing clients with mental illness and substance abuse with misdemeanor and felony charges to be able to be competent for court. My supervisor and I got along really well and she decided to promote me as a team leader, I turned it down because it meant more work with no extra compensation. I stayed there until I resigned and moved to Georgia. I always wanted to live in Georgia even before I had moved to Florida to help my older daughter and her children. In Georgia I learned a great deal spiritually and drew closer to God. 

Heavenly Father, thank You for helping me to navigate every mountain I had to climb, every bend in the road, every valley I had to cross and every rocky path that ultimately brought me to You. I had many ups and downs and much tears and laughter but You never let go of Your hand from mines. I held on tenaciously because my life and my daughter depended on You. I made many mistakes and I still hadn't matured spiritually but You gave me Your grace. All the glory belongs to You, my sweet Father, I love You with all my heart and I love my Savior the same, in the sweet Name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

The Tearing of the Soul/ Journal #4

Journal # 4

"I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance." (Luke 5:32 NKJV)

One preacher stated, "as long as we are blaming someone else we are not going to change. It sends a message to our subconscious mind we have nothing to change or to fix. When we change we believe differently."  This is called the blame game. I met this man, who was nine years older than me and I thought he was kind and wanted to help me when I was at a low point physically after my short-lived modeling career. He was kind and gentle and seemed so caring at first and he took me to his own doctor, and paid my bill. Later, he invited me to a tent evangelistic meeting his church, another denomination, organized. After I attended most of the meetings with him I felt the urge to give my heart to the Lord as I never did in my own denomination. I got baptized. I was so "green" I did not know anything about this new life and I thought that this man, I call Larry, would teach me how to navigate the waters. I also naively asked how we were to have fun with all the dos and don'ts attached to this new doctrine. He introduced me to the act of coitus. We started dating, but unknowingly to me he was seeing another young girl at the same time. Five years forward, and he never mentioned marriage but just alluded to it, stringing me along to have his way with me. I wanted to have a family, marriage; the whole enchilada. He even went to my father's office one day and told him he wanted to marry me, that was in the first year. I was looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. During that time I had two abortions. In my denomination it was a sin to terminate your pregnancy for no valid or life threatening reason. I did not want to harm my child but he persuaded me to do so and he will marry me. I fell hook, line and sinker for his cheap tricks. I did not know what to do but I knew he was not going to leave me after I invested five years of my life with him for some floozy. So, I gave him an ultimatum either we get married as soon as possible or I am going to sing as a canary to everyone I meet, especially the church. We got married.

I thought marriage would change him and I tried to do just that, it didn't work but brought much tension in the unholy alliance. In the Bible we are not to render evil for evil. We both were not where we wanted to be. Before I had made the trip to marriage misery, I went to God one night and I asked God if I should marry this man and deep down in my spirit I heard a resounding NO, that was all. It was God warning me if I do my life will be completely altered, going down a rebellious path. For twelve long torturous years I forced myself to remain in that marriage, "for better or for worse" was my mantra. During that time, I lost my job and was now unemployed so he decided to go to the States where his parents lived and find a job. The plan was for him to work and we will join him later. In the mean time we got our passports ready, went through the immigration process and that took about two years.  I had a child, a daughter with him plus my own daughter from another short lived relationship. The devil was making a mess of my life. I couldn't think straight and I began reading my Bible in earnest. I needed help, big time. We continued going to church and pretending to my parents everything was "honky dory." 

"The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy" and he is sneaky. He hides himself deliberately so no one will believe he really exists. He surreptitiously roams around seeking whom he may devour and destroys their lives. He had been abusing me ever since I was a child and I had no clue who he was. All I knew in my nightmares there was an ominous presence in my dreams looking to destabilize me any way he can, even in my subconscious mind. When I disobeyed God and got married to this man I became truly the wrath of God. Even though I had given my life to Him I had not truly surrendered all of me to Him. I was looking for someone to guide me, to teach me how to be empowered and how to resist the devil. In my church growing up as a child and young adult,  I never heard we had an enemy. Everything revolved around God. If we got sick it was God teaching us a lesson. If anything bad  happened to us God was the scapegoat. God was to blame for every evil thing. He got blamed for the wars, the hatred among the races, for the wars against the genders, the diseases, deaths, the climate, the natural disaster,  everything. In the meantime Satan was hiding behind a dark curtain peeping, listening and laughing at us and hopping up and down in glee because he was successful in blinding our eyes and stopping our ears and hardening our hearts against God. I did not know any of this until much, much later. 

We arrived in the United States of America and we lived with Larry's parents and one of his sibling and his family, the same one I had to share the house with when I had first moved into Larry's house. He didn't like me and the feeling was mutual. I did not know at the time that Larry was having an illicit affair with another young woman who later became his second wife. She too was an avid member of his denomination. So while I was playing "wifey" he was playing adultery. His mother was an avid member of the church and expected us all to go to the church every Saturday. His father was uninvolved in any of these church affairs. As time went by things did not get better. My nine month old baby was getting seizures often and I had many trips to the emergency room. On one such trip the hospital guard almost had to put Larry out for verbally fighting with me with a sick child in my arms. Why? Because I was feeding her water with a spoon. My daughter had a high fever and she didn't want to drink from the sippy cup so I was giving her water with a spoon and that disturbed him. Things went down hill from there and one day he decided I was not playing his game anymore. I slept separately from him and he was not too happy. While I was watching the TV on his section of the basement where we lived at his parents' home, he grabbed hold of my neck and attempted to strangle me. I got dressed and went to the police station and reported it. Two white burly cops came back to the house with me and the time he saw them he almost fainted on the floor. His face was white as a sheet. It was a classic moment. I got the information I needed to obtain a restraining order and a place to live. The next day when he went to work I packed up my bags and I went to Far Rockaway, in Queens, to a Jewish transition center for mothers and their children with domestic violence.

It took me almost another four years to finalize my divorce since I had to use a lawyer who did pro bono work. I left the apartment I lived in at Far Rockaway to a Section 8 apartment in Brooklyn, New York. The  Section 8 apartment was empty except for the beds we were given and some clothes we received from charitable donations at the transition center while we were there. But we were safe and happy. I felt a load of stress just flowed out of me. My three year old was asking for her daddy and I did not know what to say to her. We went on with life. I got my teenager enrolled in a school. My toddler enrolled in a school for children with special needs. I enrolled in college and started remedial classes for Arithmetic. I excelled at school, who knew? All the baggage of the past was eliminated. I focused on college and did very well. I was on the Dean's list for four years and received my bachelor's degree in human services. Then I started to look for a job. It was difficult being on welfare and all. That 's a another story but welfare helped my girls and I for a while. My teenager went to college outside of the state. My little girl had to receive special needs until she turned twenty-three. We had to apply for her to receive SSI and it helped her to get what she needed. I started working at an agency for those with mental illness and substance abuse issues. It was difficult work but rewarding. I learned a great deal about myself, resiliency, and the faithfulness of God. I gave Him all the glory and I learned who my true enemy was all along. It was not my parents, or my friends or my ex-husband or any one else, it was the devil, himself. Because "we do not fight against flesh and blood , but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places, (Ephesians 6:12). God was always a good God, faithful and true. He never once let me down and was always there to help me and my kids. I also made those choices on my own of course with the devil's help, the same way he operated in the garden of Eden when he deceived Eve. I blame no one but me. I am accountable for my choices.

Don't get me wrong it was a journey I would not like to repeat but I am glad I did because I learned that I was never alone even when I walked through the "valley of death." I left Larry's denomination because it did not fulfill me in any way. It was not of God if the members preached one thing and acted differently. It reminded of the Scribes, Pharisees, and religious leaders of Jesus' time on earth. Jesus had referred to them as a brood of vipers. He called them hypocrites. I learned I have to be cognizant of my thoughts, of my mind. Because that was where the devil wages his battle in our minds. When I got baptized again I realized I had to renew my mind daily until I returned home to heaven. When I got baptized I did not change mentally or in my body. I still made a lot of mistakes, and I had to repent each time. I felt as a fraud at times. I was now single, divorced and lonely and I was still thinking the old ways. It was much later I learned how to defeat the enemy every time. I had to keep searching and searching for the right teaching because of many false doctrines, preachers and teachers and denominations out there.

Heavenly Father, what the enemy meant for evil you turned it around for my benefit. You saw me when no one did. You heard me when no one did. I am ever grateful to You for Your constant and persistent hold on me. You never let me go even when I was on the ash heap, vile, dirty and bloody with the sins of my life. Thank You, for giving me Jesus so that I could be free. And whom the Lord sets free is free indeed. Praise the Lord. 

The Tearing of the Soul/ 3

 Journal # 3

"Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it." (1 Peter 3:11-NKJV)

When I was almost thirteen most of the overt rebellious behavior had dissipated but the nightmares persisted. I was in the last year of primary school, I referred to as my prison. There was an important exam I had to take to be assessed to meet the requirements for secondary education in my country. I had only one opportunity, since I was kept back in one grade. We had three choices to determine our placement and where we would attend high school, if we were unsuccessful in achieving a passing grade we would have to pay tuition or drop out of school. Now the system has changed. But in my time it was only those who were proficient that received the coveted schools of their choice. If any student did not qualify they had only two choices and there was an element of shame and deficiency in this area. Because of my poor performance at school I was placed in a lower functioning class instead of a higher functioning class. I already began to see myself diminished each year I attended school. The teachers drilled us for this exam. On the day of the exam I was pretty worn out and very anxious. I had to walk to school at the examination site where I hoped I would pass, and allow me to enter this high school.

As I sat at the desk I felt my hands clammy and cold and my heart was racing as if it was about to jump out of my chest. I tried to take deep breaths and to talk myself in calming down. The exam proctor placed the test at each desk and we all had to follow the strict guidelines. We were allowed two pencils, an eraser and a sharpener and we were not to make any eye contact with anyone but to keep our eyes on our papers. The test began and I froze. I could not retrieve any of the material I was drilled on at school. As the time moved laboriously forward, I became numb and I began to randomly select answers on the multiple choice exam. In the back of my mind I knew I had already failed the exam. I could not recall one answer and everything around me became hollow as if I was in a deep fog, in a tunnel of delayed time. The cold hand of fear gripped me and had me in a vice I could not escape. Naturally, I was relieved when it was all over. 

As I arrived at home I went straight to my bedroom and laid on the bed for a long time. A couple of months later the results were published in the local newspaper. This to me was a very barbaric, torturous and shaming way to publish the results of an exam that not everyone will pass. I got the section of the paper where the results were published and I painstakingly probed the names looking for my name. I never found my name. Eventually, my parents contacted the school I attended and they received the results. I did not pass the exam. My father was livid and my mother was sympathetic, but they were both disappointed. My father declared that day he would not waste his money to send me to another school for me to be a failure. He kept his word. Mother enrolled me into a private high school but she had to pay the tuition without any financial help from my father. I remained in that school for just under three years because I did not do well there either. I still had problems focusing and retaining information I had learned at school. I was in this cycle of despair, anxiety and rebellion like a hamster in a cage going nowhere. Mother decided to take me out from there and she placed me in a secretarial school, which was a business college. They taught beginners basic business Math, English, typing, shorthand and other related subjects. I was given a tutor to sit with me to help me. It worked somewhat but I did not like the typing and the shorthand. I did my best.

I was still attending church, going to confession and doing my penance. Yet, the nightmares were relentless. Some of the youths in the neighborhood called me names because of some of the things I did when I was younger. I felt shame and guilt and I avoided them at all cost. I still spent a great deal of time with my best friend and I had been solidified as part of their family. They accepted me for who I was and embraced me flaws and all. Growing up in my own household was not too pleasant. I fought with my brother over a bird cage. I took advantage of them. I did not like my younger sister because she received what I never got from our father, his affection and attention. I was the odd man out so to speak. I fought with another neighbor who I thought was my friend. I was sexually abused at the hands of one of my neighbors at nine years old. I never told a soul. One day I was coming home from school and a man came up to me, a complete stranger and assaulted me a few feet from my home. I did not tell anyone. But I became more cautious. A neighbor across the street decided I was going to be his wife and every time I came out of the house to visit my best friend he would try to accost me. I did not like it at all and I tried to speak to his older sister about it. He will stop and then start up again. I was branded the black sheep of the family because of my rebellion and my behavior. Life went on as usual.

At nineteen my aunt told my mother about a vacancy at the local newspaper and I applied. I met with the manager, Mr. Philips and he liked me and decided to hire me. He instructed my aunt to orient me and she did. I worked at the advertising department and was responsible for placing death and birth announcements, answering the phones and helping my aunt sometimes with balancing the ledger; she taught me. I did pretty well. I stayed there for about nine months and I heard of a better paying opportunity and went for an interview. I was hired as an executive secretary, so some of my skills I learned earlier came in handy. But my boss was a tickler to perfection. One of my assignments was to type out quotations without an error. We sold technical safety equipment, intercoms and stuff like that. I had to receive and answer calls and make calls for my boss, the usual stuff. But I hated speaking on the phone it provoked my anxiety at times and I will start to stutter. I began this bad habit at age eight and continued until adulthood. It was only noticeable during an anxiety provoking situation. I had to write down everything someone said because I would not remember the sequence of the conversation or events. That was due to my lack of sleep and continued night terrors and fear.

I remained at my job as secretary and decided to interview for another job that was paying better. My father had a friend who worked at this agency and he was one of the accountants, an important figure at the time. I was two months pregnant at the time and I told him as much. He still hired me and I remained at that job for almost twelve years until I was phased out. My assignment was redundant because the agency had become computerized. So a few of us lost our jobs. In those twelve years I learned a great deal about myself, about those around me and my relationships. I learned not everyone was my friend, not everyone I can share my personal information with and not everyone can be trusted to do the right thing. At that time I decided to get into modeling and attended a modeling school in a different city. It was fun for a while but I was told I had to lose weight to be a runway model but as I did I got sick and had to go to a doctor. I quit modeling school. That was the time I met my husband. When I was working as the executive secretary I would walk home for lunch at times. I did not have a car as yet, so I walked to and from work to my house. This man, who became my husband would try to engage me in conversation when he drove to work and I was walking the same path he traveled. Later, after, I had my child his brother began to work in the same agency I worked at. He told me his brother would like me to call him and he gave me his number. That was the beginning of the end or was it the beginning of a new life after the end of this marriage.

I now know in retrospect the enemy was after my soul and my life and he did everything to destroy me and destroy my children. My life was one humongous stronghold perpetuated by the devil. I was helping him succeed because I did not know he existed. I thought God was punishing me for all the bad things I had done in the past and that was why I could not ever stand on solid ground. Every place I stood upon was shaky constantly shifting, unstable and I was going to slip into oblivion. And it was only a matter of time. The word "rebellion" is associated with the word "revolt," it is an act of treason against something or someone. Even though I attended church I never learned how to identify my true enemy of my soul or how to defeat him or what Jesus had already done for me. I never learned I can be successful and live a life made in heaven. All my adult life I struggled immensely. Sometimes I wonder what will happen to me if I don't get it together. I was in a murky pond with piranhas looking for food and only finding me. Have I become my own god? Did I believe in God or some version of Him? Was I revolting against God and how was I doing it?

Heavenly Father, thank You for helping me recall these testimonies as closely I can recall them. I know in retrospect I was never alone. Even though You remained silent all those years, Your eyes were upon me. So I can live to tell my story of a Loving, Merciful Savior. Thank You for your grace, mercy and love. In Jesus' Name.